See what I see………

You want to see what I see when I close my eyes at night?

Imagine? The barrel of a gun about 6 inches from your head, before you can instinctively move you see your marks’ finger apply pressure to the trigger. You expect and prepare for the worse, life to end as you know it………….but instead you hear a “click”, then your training falls right into place without hesitation. Now your mark is in your shoes, lying in the damp grass, alone, pride keeps him from begging for his life, though some do. Pathetic! You kill? Yet you beg for your life and actually expect mercy, no mercy. As the mark lays on his back pushing himself through the wet slippery grass away from you till he reaches a tree behind him that he ultimately knew was there, the tree representing the end of the line for him essentially. You plant your feet firmly, look into his eyes with this sickening desire to watch the horror expose itself in his gaze, then the final gratification of witnessing life leave his expression completely. You controlled this human beings destiny, but you did a job, you may have saved another’s life. Better yet even you kept your country out of harms way at the hands of this person who lay lifeless in front of you with eyes still open, lifeless, but open nonetheless with a blank stare into nothingness. You justify all this in your mind as a job well done, but answer me this. Why did I enjoy it? Was I programmed this way unknowingly? Throughout life and my chosen career path I mistakenly thought I was intelligent enough to know my surroundings, to always stay one step ahead of even those training me. A false assumption, they were teaching me to think this way, thus in return manipulating my mind to think in a way of having no conscious, cold. A heart that serves one purpose, enables my organs to function together in order to sustain bodily function. My mind houses no emotion. Emotions get in the way of the mission at hand, you have an objective, and failure is not an option, yet so many times it closely became the end result. I was good at what I did. Why? Why would one be good at causing such harm? How can someone be so intelligent as to be recruited by one of the world’s most elite cooperative organizations in existence? Yet be so blind to ones own mental manipulation. I guess that’s what makes these individuals the best, leaving you to only believe you are the best, which is exactly what you are led to believe. In this world nothing is ever what it seems, trust no one, only your instincts……………………………All your sacrifices! Look what they’ve left you with! A mind that has to house emotion now in order to experience love and relationships, but what most don’t see is the horror of the past now being faced. So many faces, so much pain, so much horror, so much destruction being relived over, and over, haunted by my own thoughts. No rest for the wicked.

No Mercy

SACRIFICE; My Belief

On September the 11^th, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country.  Americans have known wars, but for the past 136 years they have been wars on foreign soil, except for one Sunday in 1941.  Americans have known the casualties of war, but not at the center of a great city on a peaceful morning.  Americans have known surprise attacks, but never before on thousands of civilians.  All of this was brought upon us in a single day, and night fell on a different world, a world where freedom itself is under attack.  These were the words this nation heard on September the 21^st, 2001 from our President George W. Bush, as our military prepared for war.

            After the tragic events on September the 11^th, our country was changed forever.  The horrific memories of that day will never be forgotten.  Four of our nations own commercial aircraft, filled with innocent civilians like you and me, were used as weapons against us.  How could this be?  The United States of America is the most powerful country; however, it had become lax, in national security.

            America is the land of freedom and prosperity.  When people can move to this country, learn to fly aircrafts in our aviation schools, and then pilot these planes into our cities, it is obvious there is too much freedom.  Our government is trying to make adjustments to security, in order to keep this country a safe place to live.  However, along with these changes may come changes in our everyday way of life?  This is a small sacrifice for a greater cause.

             In order to keep up with new age terror, our government has been attempting to introduce new security procedures such as the use of national electronic ID cards, “biometrics.” Biometrics is a method of identifying people by scanning and quantifying their physical characteristics. This is a new age method of screening who’s entering this country.

People of this country are concerned over the personal information being misused; however, the only information on these ID cards that differs from the information on any driver’s license will be fingerprints located on the back. Inevitably, these cards will eventually be forged, but the more ID’s and documents you need to legally enter this country, the more difficult it will become.

            Officials ask for broad authority to inspect logs for Internet use and the address fields for e-mail messages.

Terrorists have been communicating through web pages and e-mail with encrypted messaging. Once again, the citizens of this country don’t like the thought of their e-mail being screened; however, random screening by law enforcement officials could intercept vital intelligence information that could save this country another tragedy.

Congress has elected to add electronic communications to existing laws governing telephone and video surveillance. This raises the argument of our civil rights to privacy being violated. The intelligence community wants to place electronic video surveillance cameras in public locations, work places, highly populated tourist areas, government and financial buildings, and mobile video units in housing communities across the United States. The fourth amendment reads, “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

This surveillance would not be in our homes, and telephone wire taping occurs now with the proper warrants. The United States Bill of Rights clearly displays that heightened security, such as electronic surveillance is not violating our civil rights to privacy under the 4^th amendment.

Winn Schwartau, a security consultant in Seminole Florida and the author of the books Information Warfare and Cybershock, agrees that electronic surveillance should not be a substitute for proven labor-intensive techniques. “We need human intelligence.”

I agree, we should not replace human intelligence with modern technology, but notice that along with human intelligence comes human sacrifice. Another perfect example of this spoiled society expecting the sacrifice to be made at someone else’s expense. 

In March 1994, U.S. troops on an ill-fated humanitarian mission pulled out of Mogadishu, Somalia. But what few Americans realize is that during this mission, U.S. troops were faced with the most sustained and bloody battle fought by American soldiers since the Vietnam War. Late in the afternoon of October 3, 1993, the soldiers of Task Force Ranger were sent on a mission to capture two top lieutenants of a renegade Somalian warlord and return to base. This mission was supposed to take less than an hour, but instead the soldiers were pinned down in the heart of Mogadishu and locked in a desperate struggle of kill or be killed. For more than 15 hours, U.S. soldiers were caught in a bloody firefight that resulted in 18 American casualties and the deaths of some 500 local inhabitants. Thirty-Five U.S. soldiers from various elite Special Forces groups faced over a thousand renegade Somali’s. The end result display’s the integrity and strength of the men and women who serve to protect this nation.  Black Hawk Down tells the story of that battle, from the eyes of the pilots and soldiers who struggled to survive.

 A coward dies a thousand deaths; a soldier dies but once. The soldiers of our great military (like the soldiers in Black Hawk Down) bravely leave their spouses and children for a foreign land to proudly lay down their lives for this country, the ultimate sacrifice. It’s about time the citizens of this country sacrifice a little for the future safety of this great nation.

No Mercy

Depressed; The option of Life and Death

Weighing the options of life and death, fantasizing. Damn, it’d be nice to press a .38 smith & wess. up against my flesh, a brother finally feel’n blessed once the trigger’s pressed.

Deep thoughts about my family………how would they react, insomniac, left this world like a maniac. A self-inflicted gunshot left me stretched out, stressed out, so depressed I chose the best route. This shit I’m facing is got me sitting at the edge of my bed, head aching cause I’m crying as I beg to be dead. I can’t wait until this hot slug enters my head.

Dear God I can’t believe my life has come to this, I soak my arms up in ice to try to nub my wrists. I think about the opportunities I’ve had and blown, got nothing else to do but think cause that alone, my hope is gone. I went to college but I fucked it up, got kicked out but my heart told me, “suck it up.” So I did, and spent the next few years in hell. I’m loosen job after job seeing dreams fail; seeing brothers who aint shit get the luxuries, nice guys finish last, who gives fuck for me. Reluctantly, I put the barrel underneath my chin, my only witness is my best friend vicodin, he knows my sins cause I lean on him every night, his shoulders always there when me and God fight, I close my eyes tight, my life and death is just another news highlight, good-bye life.

Dear God do you listen when I cuss you out, don’t it provoke you to respond to what I’m fuss’n about? Don’t it concern you that I’m loosen my belief, confusion from massive grief, got me on my knees, why are you refusing to send relief?

I spend most of my lonely existence thinking, conversating, telling the master of creation what I’m contemplating, arguing, sometimes yelling, tears swelling, threatening to put one in my melon, finally expelling my tormented soul from this unbearable hell I dwell in. Asking God, “am I not forgiven for my crimes in a previous life? Was I sinner, cursing God in a devious life? Does Jesus Christ hold a grudge against me while others live the easiest life, with no struggles, no stress, no tests, never knowing demons like loneliness, never depressed, never jobless, never on there hands and knees begging God please cure this poor mans disease? If your listening God speak to me and answer these————-Why do good people feel Satan’s wicked embrace? Why are good people sick in this place? Why are good people forced to live a life that is empty and stressed, while the wicked seem happy and blessed? Talk to me; cause the devils trying to walk through me. Please, will you respond, or will the coroner be forced to put the chalk to me?”

            Deep, huh? Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Have you? Sometimes it seems much easier to exit this world than to endure the constant struggles of the minds emotional self-torment.

No Mercy

   

Life’s Short?

People often say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences! What can you do that’s longer?

No Mercy

My Painful Thoughts

Dear Mom,

I pray that you see all that I have grow to be, all that I have attained since your passing. You were taken from me, and that I still don’t understand entirely. I always depended on you, and now that you’re gone I’ve been forced to step up and become the man that you raised me to be. Though I would give anything on this earth to have just one minute with you, I firmly believe that it was in God’s plan to not only end your mental and physical torture here on earth, but to provide me with no other alternative than to become a complete man. I try to model myself after you, doing what ever it takes to provide the best life possible for my family. If you were still here I would run to you for aid when ever I hit what I thought was a brick wall, because I always new my mother could help me work through anything. You taught me well just by being the wonderful, most caring mother a child could ever wish for. When I grow tired, and want to give up on things, financially and emotionally, I always feel something or someone bringing this same thought to the forefront of my mind “Look at all you have” it may not be what some would consider riches, but to me I am a very wealthy man. I have a family that depends on me the way I depended on you. I have a family that cares and loves me the way that I did for you. Although all this can become an overwhelming thought at times, it also makes me feel proud to have become the man I’ve become today. God has blessed me with so much, all the love that I have inside could never be enough to repay the debt I owe my creator, because ultimately it was him that hand picked you to be my mother. Thank you Lord. Thank you Mom.

 

Love always,

Your Son

No Mercy

Dear sis and your so called hubby

For everything you do I’d like to forget you, and everyday I’m gonna blame you………..And even if you justify every fucking bullshit lie it only makes me want to break you.

You pull me down and you crucify my name, you make me insane. You fucked up now, don’t ever look my way…………Don’t ever think I’ve forgotten one word spewed from a mouth that knows no truth. I fucking hate you, your such a liar, and I love to hate you……………you’re both the same to me.

When you repeatedly took advantage of me, the only thought I get of you sickens me, everybody knows your fake, you’re everything I fucking hate, and I’m everything you could never be……….. Irritability is my only fault, temper, rage, anger, mental displeasures imposed upon me forcibly by the blood we share that cause my inner annoyance.

It’s broken now, don’t you ever look my way, cause I fucking hate you…………Again, and again you allow another to come between our one way relationship…………I’ve lost nothing, you’ve lost plenty…………Always there for you through and through…………through it all. The days of theft with little hearts broken, and left to wonder…….why? Remember, the nights of drug induced delusions of soldiers in the corn field………..Who was there with you to watch you cry. The days of playing the victim…………just how long was that gonna last, well, at the blink of an eye it was over fast………..You’re dead an broken, you have no soul, and to someone you’ll one day pay the toll.

Sister when will you ever take on your own personality, and take ownership of yourself? You took on the characteristics of a thieving, drug abusing, and deceitful creature that taints the use of the label human-being. And now, just look at you now! You’re saturated with the traits of an obsessive, over controlling coward who’s only goal was to separate you from your brother……………..just as he has from his past so called pathetic relationships…………That’s right, I’m talking to you boy, the over weight child in a mans body…………..the day will come, my day will come. So, with all that said, go ahead little sis and sulk. Play the victim to all you see, and tell them all of your brothers fit of pique, so you can once again say “please, feel sorry for poor little me.” The West Virginia bullshit, for me now I guess since I’ve had my say there’s really no more need to hate, because the West Virginia bullshit has departed the state.  

But, me being me………………..I still fucking hate you! You’re both the same to me! I hope this one is always there for you, because I sure the hell won’t be………………You’re both living inspirations of what I never wanna be! Borrower of character and others traits, never individuality, never the carrier of your own persona, always hiding in the shadows of others in a disgraceful attempt at covering up the true you, but she sees now all that you do and all that you’ve done. I think our mother now knows the truth, and is pleased with her son………………..Are you now feeling like the lonely one?

  

Goodbye Sis…………

No Mercy

Dealing with Life, and the People in it

Life! I love life, despite some of the comments I make or topics I get into in my writing. No one ever said life would be easy, right? But, we assess, adapt and move on, or we don’t. I think that’s just about the only options one has. It’s the assessing, adapting and moving on that can take an individual a life time to work through. So, where does that leave you? If you have the answer to that question my friend, then in my opinion you have the answer to life. Please, let the rest of us in on your secret?

Eat right, stay fit and die anyway, pretty ignorant statement. Of coarse we’re all going to pass at some point, unless the fellow with the answer to life also has located the fountain of youth, but outlooks on the phrase living life to its fullest may differ. Many choose to drink it up, smoke it up and die when they die. While others choose to eat right, stay fit and try to remain as healthy as they can in order to have the physical capabilities to perform activities that provide them with the self gratification they need to consider their life lived to the fullest. Then you have those that are able to journey through life doing both, lucky bastards.

People, dealing with other human-beings, we have to share the planet with them so I guess we have to come to some happy medium, right?

First and foremost, as I speak I want two people to know that they hold no place in this literary expression of negative and violent self reflection.

Hatred, anger, aggression, violence, pain, and disgust are just a few emotions that this mind houses with every passing moment. 

These words are my thoughts, and my thoughts and feelings alone. Melodramatic? Probably! Self-pity? Most definitely! These are my deepest thoughts, sparing no one else’s feelings for once in my entire thirty some odd years spent on this planet. So, with that said, close this book, don’t buy it, or throw it away. Dispose of it in any manner you wish; I don’t care. But, for those who choose to read on; those who can put themselves in my shoes, I hope that you gain a little something from my pouting. Seeing the manner by which I have handled some situations throughout my life, and possibly use my experiences to deal with similar ordeals in a totally different approach. Helping just one individual by exposing my tormented thoughts would make writing this book worth it, meaningful, other than my own therapeutic purpose. Maybe, just seeing that you’re not alone in the twisted thoughts that you struggle to keep from your once calm state of mind will help you deal with your issues, and open yourself up to someone close to you; in turn receiving much needed, and long over due help. I’m no professional; let’s get that straight from the start. But, I have learned that the mind is a powerful entity; an entity that can actually cause you physical problems if you allow it and most of us do. We do this simply because we feel alone in our abnormal thoughts, or what we convince ourselves to be thoughts out of the norm. Everyone has the same thoughts, feelings and emotions etc. that you and I have. It’s just that everyone’s mind also interprets them in different ways. Some of us really play into our emotions, while others can merely discard unwanted or uncomfortable thoughts or feelings and without difficulty move on with life without as much as a second thought. Well, for some of us this process is not so easily done. 

I entered this world alone; I’ll exit it in the same manner. I don’t need one fucking member of my family to do shit for me, I’ll make my way through life on my own, so leave me the fuck alone. My sister can take her beloved husband and shove him up her ass, and my father can join him if that’s what he chooses. I tired of hiding my feeling’s in order to spare others feeling’s. I’m sick of not speaking my true emotions, what I’m feeling inside, because it may cause heartache to someone else. Well, my fucking heart aches sometimes to………………………….. So, from this point on, if you don’t want me to express what I’m feeling inside, then don’t approach me with your own self expression that may warrant such a response. Just simply remember, I’m going to tell you just what I think, and how I feel. And mother-fucker I can back my words up, so just keep pushing……………………………DAVID, and you’ll find out just what West Virginia bullshit is all about. And, I won’t be throwing any stones bitch………………

I feel detached from the person that I once was. I feel abandoned, unwanted, unloved by my own flesh and blood. Flesh and blood being the family I once knew, I once felt apart of, I once felt needed by, depended upon. Maybe it’s me that has the issues. Maybe it’s me that only felt apart of this separated family due to the existence of one woman. My father has no place in ever judging me as a father, because to be totally honest with myself he has always been around physically, but never truly a dad, till after the departure of his wife from life. All that I speak of now, the love that I have for this soft spoken, soft hearted, gentle man is that of a purely sympathetic emotion for this man and his loss. A loss that is mine as well, something my entire family, extended family included, simply does not seem to get. His complete dependency on another human being, my mother, now only having my sister, sister being a label I use lightly, and myself to reach out to for emotional support. I love being the rock for my father to lean against, but he can’t keep playing the same old sides. Meaning, he either takes both sides, my sister’s and mine, or he takes my sister’s side whether she’s right or wrong. I’m tired, I’m tired of loving, with every passing day I welcome hatred into my thoughts and heart more and more. I don’t like the way I feel, or the thoughts that emerge to the forefront of my tortured mind, but they are there nonetheless. Therapy, forty-five minutes of bullshit, I get more out of this, putting into words my thoughts for the world to read. I have nothing to hide, well, lets be honest, we all have a few things in their past that they’d rather not discuss.

I can remember one, father, son experience; I mean an isolated activity set aside for just him and me. We walked down this old dirt road to a small fishing pond. I can see myself fishing; I can’t recall his attendance in this memory at all. Another bothersome activity forced upon him by my mother. I can’t help it; I just have no memories of just me and my dad. I do know he was always protective of my sister, father daughter thing, I don’t know.

One memory I do have is that of his fist crashing against the wall just above my twelve or thirteen year old face. I had apparently done something to upset his little princess. Don’t get me wrong, he had no intention in actually striking his child in such a violent manner. I believe he was sending me a message, a message that I’m sure he wishes he never sent, because that man is not the man I know today. To this day I can not erase that look in his face from my mind; the gleam in his eyes, a look of hatred. The eyes never lie. Leaves one wondering just where they actually reside in a loved ones heart, if truly any place at all. I have a strong resentfulness toward my sister; again the label sister is nothing more than that, a label. Could it be that now I’m simply not suppressing my feelings any longer; no longer sparing my mothers’ feelings by keeping my true feelings submerged beneath waters of a tough exterior?

When I tunnel deep into my thoughts I find nothing but anger. An anger that I fear, I fear will emerge uncontrollably through thoughts of my child being physically abused by another man as well as his own mother, should I have done more? Could I have done more, yes, but what good could have come of it for my son, or me. Thoughts of the only one of blood relation to me that I truly held a place in there heart is dead. Thoughts of anger towards a man that has always put one child’s feelings before the other, the other being mine of course. Anger towards my sister lessens by the day, one has to have feelings for someone in order for them to cause you hurt. She’s no longer apart of my life, let alone my thoughts. My sister has never been there for me, emotionally, nor physically in the past, why should now cause difference?

I have always possessed this dark place in my mind of not belonging to my own family, except for the connection to my mother. I want to explode, release all the anger, and aggression that I have stored inside. And, I have this terrible feeling that it will happen soon to an individual that believes in his own mind that this is something to be taken frivolously. Once the violence in me erupts, I will not be able to control myself. This person chose the wrong man to start playing games with, because my emotional state has no vacancy or patience for games. I pray to God he gives me the strength I need to contain myself if the day ever arises that I am within arms reach of this feeble creature. For me it would be so self gratifying. I work the heavy bag a few days a week at the local gym, and all I envision beating this poor unknowing fucks’ head into a bloody pile of mush. No one tells me how to feel, or what to think, whether it concerns the family that he has succeeded in dividing, or myself alone. When I picture this worthless being’s face I experience a rage within like one that is impossible to describe. This pathetic, bored, obsessive control freak has no idea how close to extreme facial disfigurement inflected by the crushing punches of my fists, the bone cracking blows of elbows, and the cranial separation strikes of my knees and feet till brains spew from his lifeless head. I see all this in a clear vision with every punch, kick, or elbow that strikes this lifeless bag. This man has caused so much damage to the relationship between me and my dissipated family, along with my sister’s aid, and apparently a little influential support from my father.

A spouse simply just does not involve themselves in a brother and sister voicing there feelings to one another, it’s not your place. Is there something that I am not getting, because I can’t find any justification for his intrusion, and out of line remark’s? I’m sorry dad, but this will never work itself out.

But, in acting on these emotions in a vicious approach that would result in the removal of my wife and me from each other for God knows how long.

Hell is defined by the separation of the ones you love.

When will the tension cease and peace begin? I involve myself with those that cause me nothing but heartache. I see myself as a caring man with enough room in his heart for the world. Maybe I live in this world of fantasy that I’ve conjured up in my own mind. My past just will not die; it births itself over and over. I want so badly to move forward with my life. The life I have with the most gorgeous being on the face of this planet, and not only is she stunning on the outside, but she is just as beautiful on the inside. But, how much more of me and all that surrounds me can I expect someone to take.

What do I do? Where do I start? How will it all end? Nothing short of God matters to me but my family. I seem to be stuck, my past won’t allow me to move forward, but time sure doesn’t break its stride. Will life have past me by one day, and I’ll be left wondering why I didn’t enjoy it. Now it is all too late, fade to black, the curtains closed…………………..Elvis has left the building.

I’m not naïve, I realize that finances are an important part of our lives, but it seems to completely control mine. No matter what I do to better myself financially and professionally for my family to live a more comfortable life, the life they deserve. The same God forsaken situation emerges like a beast from hell. What’s fucked up is that this being that I believe had to be birthed from the very crack of Lucifer’s ass claims to be a Christian. Am I over looking something, God if you’re listening, but isn’t greed denounced in your word? Why does it seem that good people are consistently being punished for any wrong doing in their lives, but at the same time the wicked and greedy at heart appear happy and blessed? It’s not my place to judge.

No Mercy